about my baby. Thing is, I know him. As I sit right now I can tell you all the feelings I get from him and how aware he seems. I can feel his soul in his little body and he's a person, not just a fetus or empty shell or a mewling infant but a human being with thoughts and emotions and feelings.
My only question is where does that go? Because I know when he comes out he will simply need; need me, need food, need changing, need loving. He'll be completely dependent and the person that I feel now will subside until he gets a little older. I've seen it in my sisters and cousins and kids I've nannied. But I've never experienced a child growing inside of me, and so I've never experienced the wave of emotions and sensations that aren't my own until now, and I know that they'll come back eventually I just want to know how that works. Does the experience of labor make him forget for a little while? Does the newness of the outside world confuse him to the point where he is just a crying, pooping, feeding, wonderful little thing? What happens to all the things I feel about him now until he relearns them?
For example, I can't touch styrofoam. The thought of drinking coffee out of a styrofoam cup makes me feel physically ill and I've never dealt with that before, even before this last month. Will Ace have that same aversion as he grows or does he just have it now? I've become obsessed with trees and earthy things, I constantly want to smell them, to touch them, to be around them. I've even gone as far as it sit on the rock fortress outside of our house just to have that sensation of touch that I've never really had or worried about before. Or my recent love of cookie dough. I've never been a huge cookie dough fan but I think about eating it all the time now.
Two of these traits are clearly from Paul, thinks that folded into his genes so that he could pass on and has, but the trees, the nature, that's Ace (though it comes from my sad of the family now that I'm thinking about it, it comes from my dad.) I feel so impatient to meet him and even though I already know him. I have forty days until due date, forty days until my person, our little person enters the world. It's surreal, like something out of a dream.