This is not a question in my mind, this is a fact. I have sailed passed the days of insecurity in my relationship with the Lord and His intentions for my life. And by sailed, I mean fell-apart-and-nearly-drowned-and-He-plucked-me-out-of-the-water-and-gave-me-hot-cocoa-and-a-towel. That being said, even knowing that God wants what's best for me and my family, trusting is hard.
God is big. God is infinite. God is all powerful.
Sometimes I feel that, sometimes I'm filled with the glory of His love and His plan for me and I am elated. I am lifted from myself. I feel good.
But I don't always have those feelings. In fact, most of the time there are no feelings. That's when my insecurities pile on. My teacup whatifs pour out of me and I get scared. I question. I turn away. I do really, really stupid things. Trusting in God is hard. It's admitting that I am imperfect and small and not strong enough to do things on my own. It's owning up to the fact that I can't do it all alone. It's like the footprints poem, I will let God carry me, even if I don't know where we are going.
Trusting can be rewarding too. This past year has been such a struggle. Jobs have changed, careers have shifted, we've gone from two incomes to one income to half an income with no light at the end of the tunnel. But we trusted. I could have sacrificed my job and baby time for a higher paying job with twice the commute and hours. Then I prayed, and knew it was the wrong decision for us. My husband could have stayed in the well of misery he was in instead of shaking it up and trying something completely different, but he didn't. We prayed, we trusted, we moved forward. And now, for the first time in a long time there is a light, not just a train.
God has taken care of us every step of the way. He knows our hearts and minds, and knows what is best for us. And that's the weird part. He loves us in ways we don't expect and leads us down paths we would have never even considered. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it sucks. But He always has our back. He will always provide, and He has.
This is not the end. I know there will be struggles in our lives that we will face, maybe financial, maybe not. I know that it won't be easy to give God the reigns, to free fall into the abyss. I'll probably fight it. I might be angry. I might be stressed and bitter and impossible to deal with, as I have in the past. But then I'll let go and let God and nothing will be like I imagined but everything will be wonderful.
And that's it, that's all. That's all I am and should be, a trusting, loving, child of God open to His path and His light and His truth. I'm not always that, but I'm working on it. I'm working on being better in every aspect of my life.