Every time I see him I worry it's the last. The beep of the monitors drowns out my thinking, a symphony of sorrow. We mourn the minutes spent here, minutes that could be spent in the summer sun with sweet shared tangerines on our lips, promises of forever.
As the cancer eats away the parts of him I can't see I wonder if he knows how much I love him, how grateful I am to have him in my life. I try and find the words to tell him, to write down every smile and reckless thought of joy found in memories of white powder snow and soft, freshly baked bread, in toothy pasta grins and in the salty froth of a perfectly caught wave.
I don't know how to exist in a world without him. I don't know how I can wake up every morning knowing that he's no longer here. I've been gathering the pieces of my heart to put in an envelope and mail to the sea, a message without a bottle. In these moments, God whispers to me in the smallest of voices a reminder of a place where there is forever, a place where all the happiest of memories waits with the people we love for us to join them. It is on that hope that I rely, knowing that in these countdown of days there's a heaven of eternity waiting, just waiting for us to be together again.